By Linda Estee
Doesn’t pad around the bedroom quietly.
Crashes, clangs, and crunches, sour notes all.
Rustle a bit of oom-pah-pah and do some pruning.
Hit it, maestro.
IT’S BEEN A LONG, LONG TIME
CACOPHONY: Clothing not worn two years max.
HIDING PLACE: Where else, but in nether regions of closet?
REMEMBER: Not exactly a poodle skirt, but grey flannel numberwe’ve, ahem, outgrown and other fitted waistbands, no?
BUT: You wore the mauvey, not-quite-pink, not-quite-suede pantset the night you met what’s-his-name.
OUCH: What’s the diff now that you’re married to great guy who’scomplaining there’s no space for his golf clubs.
OK, BYE: The worn and woeful can get the toss. The serviceable,donate.
NEW LEAF: Let Holly Golightly be inspiration. Think minimalist.
YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE
CACOPHONY: Shoes you thought fit you.
HIDING PLACE: Closet floor, wall-to-wall. Stacked boxes on shelf.Strays never unpacked after Bermuda. Was that two years ago?
REMEMBER: This is a love affair! They’re cheerful. No dressingrooms, and size doesn’t change.
BUT: They fit in the store. Really.
OUCH: You can take this literally. The first outing, you were indenial. The second, yes, they did pinch.
OK, BYE: Some things just don’t improve with time. Callconsignment shop.
NEW LEAF: Pare collection down to what’s pretty, trulycomfortable, not color repeat.
LIPSTICK ON YOUR COLLAR
CACOPHONY: Dazzling array of cosmetics you can measure by the pound. And they’re displayed in lovely woven basket.
HIDING PLACE: Rest of it jams the works in bathroom drawer.Half-bottles of magical foundation now semi-solid. Dried stiffmascara. Tubes, if twisted, would expose red, pink, and boysenberryblobs.
REMEMBER: This traffic pileup must be result of inertia. You gotused to looking at it.
BUT: It’s an investment! There was always tempting new offer.Who could resist Flamenco Rose?
OUCH: Repeat after me. “This is only going to hurt a minute.”
OK, BYE: Take plastic bag, drop in one product at a time, thankingeach for its service.
NEW LEAF: Create more counter by stashing basket contents indrawer…the new generation.
ALL OF ME
CACOPHONY: Speaking of drawers. What about the catch allthat harbors all things miscellaneous?
HIDING PLACE: It could be bureau, nightstand, highboy.
REMEMBER: Someday you may need rubber band, old chewinggum, phone numbers of partygoers you’ve forgotten.
BUT: Event programs will eventually go into scrapbook. And coughdrops cost money!
OUCH: What’s useable can be rerouted to desk, medicine cabinet,decorative box storing greeting cards.
OK, BYE: Remaining 95% can meet its demise and never be missed.
NEW LEAF: Scoop up loose change and buy divider. Nextcollection of odd items won’t have to rub elbows.
CACOPHONY: Books and magazines. Who’s against reading?
HIDING PLACE: Who’s hiding? Stacks are all over the place.
REMEMBER: They’re motivational gumdrops! Educationaldoesn’t count.
BUT: They were best sellers. Magazines mean you’re wellrounded. (See: Clothing not worn two years max.)
OUCH: So many yellowed pages. So little time.
OK, BYE: Think bundles. Women’s Centers may welcome donatedpublications, and there’s always trade in bookstore on the corner.Just leave empty handed.
NEW LEAF: Yes, to latest potboiler, newest sizzling bio, this month’sVanity Fair. Put them to bed next to your own in just the right-size receptacle to discourage propagation.
Without distraction, you can hear the trees swaying.
Music to dream by.