We live in a society that nurtures perfection and the desire for acceptance. So in relationships, there is this secret “pressure” to measure up to the standard that we think our significant other desires in us. When we lie to our significant other in an effort to be accepted, we allow the knee jerk reaction of conforming to who and what they expect from us to be our guide.
Relationship coach Christy Little Jones offers us her thoughts on lying to your significant other in this brief Q&A:
If he asks you what you think of his family or friends, and you’re not crazy about them, should you be honest or should you be polite?
Absolutely! Authenticity is one of the most important principles to obtaining a healthy and whole relationship. It is a common practice in relationships for people to surrender to the pressure to conform or desire acceptance from their significant other. So, they often lie in an effort to avoid an uncomfortable situation. When you are comfortable with your opinions and convictions in life, you can comfortably communicate to your significant other how you feel without offending them. You can honor your truth without offense or intimidation. If you can master the rule; it’s not what you say, its how you say it, communicating your truth becomes less in threatening.
If he asks about your sexual history, is it ok to fudge the numbers? Or what’s the best response here? Should you divulge this information?
When men ask about your sexual history, it’s usually out of place of insecurity. Why do they need to know? It’s either because they want to see what they’re “up against,” they are using the question as a tool to secretly judge you or inquiring minds want to know. But what man really just wants to know how many other men you slept with? I believe the best bet is not to play this game. It’s a slippery slope because you can never be sure of how he is going to react to the truth. Whether you are maintaining purity before marriage or you can teach a class on the art of sex, my advice is to assure him that you are open and available to learning from him as well as teaching him a thing or two. It’s never productive to divulge information that is going to hurt, offend or create more insecurity.
Often women ask, “How do I look,” but if it’s the man doing it, and it’s not good, what should you say? Or is a little white lie (“You look great!”) ok? Same with if he asks if he’s getting pudgy or bald, which he is, what do you say?
Always start with a compliment first and say something positive and encouraging. Most people when they ask you how they look, they have already formulated an opinion of themselves and are looking for approval or validation because they are feeling a little insecure. So, if you come along with criticism or a very insensitive response, you can almost guarantee an evening with distance between you.
What level of information should you divulge when it comes to other men, from flirting with someone at a bar, to a drunken kiss, to an affair, to an emotional connection with a co-worker — what should be shared/how should you approach this?
Assess your intention in divulging this type of information. Is it to make him jealous? Do you need more pursuit from him? This is a tricky topic and can backfire in the most unpredictable ways. Instead of sharing information that may cause insecurity or defensiveness, be honest with what you need and desire from him. While being honest may seem scary at first, I have not met a man who doesn’t like knowing what his woman needs and desires. It’s innate for him to want to provide it.
What about purchases—is it ever ok to lie about those or say they cost less than they did?
I think all of us have told a little white lie about how much something has cost, usually due to buyers remorse or fear of the uncomfortable conversation that may be waiting if we tell the truth. While lying about how much something really costs may not necessarily offend your significant other, it creates a pattern for having to lie in the future about things that are important to you. If you buy something that is more expensive than he has “approved,” have a heart to heart with him and share your reasons for wanting it. I bet, he may even “spring” for the extra or give you the go ahead because you honored him enough to come to him first.
Sex: Is it ever ok to lie about it? (Maybe you didn’t orgasm and he was so proud of himself in trying to get you there, or he wants to know if you’ve ever had better than him, or if you’ve ever done XYZ, which you have but don’t want him to think you’re promiscuous)
Sex is when men are most vulnerable. You have the power to build them up or tear them down. It is your choice. If you need different things from him to reach an orgasm, gently and lovingly show and tell him what you need him to do. You are unique. There is no one formula to please during sex. Be courageous enough to set the standard of creating what you want by communicating and exploring each other in a safe environment without judging. Now…you will have a wonderful and amazing sex life without having to lie or compromise each other’s needs and desires.